Perpetual Issues: What Are They?
Deal with Perpetual Problems are difficult?
This is an example of a “perpetual problem:”
Personality qualities, entrenched convictions, irreconcilable habits, or difficulty or reluctance to adapt are some of the reasons why solving perennial issues is tough.
Perpetual difficulties are those areas of friction, disputes, or issues that a couple finds impossible to resolve once and for all and that keep resurfacing.
Relationship Issues: What They Are and How They Can Be Solved
Putting relationship issues into a competition might help you understand them better.
According to relationship expert John Gottman, there are three categories of relationship issues:
Solvable problems: Topical and situational issues are solvable. It may be a quarrel about where to have supper or where to spend the holidays. They are unrelated to the situation at hand and can be resolved by compromise or ad-hoc solutions.
Perpetual problems: Perpetual issues are impossible to solve because they are based on entirely distinct ways of looking at the world, conflicting or opposing ideals, or different personality traits and preferences. For example, selecting where to spend Christmas might be a never-ending dilemma if she prefers to spend time with her family while he prefers to spend time alone with her.
Experts on relationships According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, 69 percent of the problems that cause couples to fight are unsolvable. They’re never-ending issues that will plague your partnership for as long as you both live. The remaining 31% are problems that can be solved.
When you and your significant other have had the same quarrel for years, you know you’ve crashed into a permanent problem. Unfulfilled goals and desires are at the root of all issues.
According to the Gottmans, asking your spouse to give up their important dreams is like asking him or her to give up the bones in his or her body. You are stuck in congestion when persistent issues go unaddressed. When they’re well-managed, though, closeness develops.
When a continuous problem arises, wise partners lean into curiosity and understanding rather than participating in a never-ending power battle.
Gridlocked problems: Gridlocked perennial difficulties are problems that a couple hasn’t dealt with properly and have turned into chronic and unpleasant issues in their relationship. For example, if every Thursday there is a fight about spending the weekend with her family, and he is passive hostile every time he goes, that’s a permanent gridlock problem.
Deal with Perpetual Problems and How to Solve Them
Before I started reading about relationships, I assumed that any successful marriage, by definition, had no insurmountable issues.
I was completely mistaken.
According to John Gottman, every relationship has insurmountable issues. And, when you think about it, intractable issues are linked to being different.
We’ll all have to cope with some insoluble challenge because the chances of us being precisely the same are small.
But here’s the deal:
If we deal with unsolvable problems properly, they will not damage the relationship.
Here’s how you can do it:
1. Avoid it by finding a partner who is compatible with you
Someone once remarked that when you marry someone, you marry their issues as well.
That is absolutely correct.
But there is a simple solution: while selecting someone to partner with, be sure that the difficulties you have with each other are ones you can live with.
As a result, understanding how to date and the prospect is a valuable relationship skill that is often overlooked.
2. Don’t Make an Effort to Change Your Partner
It’s virtually universally acknowledged that attempting to change people is futile.
In his laboratory trials, John Gottman discovered that couples who strive to alter one other seldom enhance their relationship.
Attempting to address the problem in such a way that you profit the most is a similar dilemma. It’s akin to expecting and pressuring your partner to change.
These “solutions” either don’t work or cause animosity in the long term.
Instead, consider win-win and attempt to meet somewhere in the center.
3. Go in with an open mind
You can approach the issue with a negotiator’s attitude and an open mind.
Instead of pursuing “winning,” this means looking for solutions.
Talking about difficulties with an open mind can also help you develop the mentality that you can talk to your spouse about anything and that you can solve any problem together.
That’s a fantastic mentality to have.
And learning the fundamentals of bargaining and “pie-enlarging” tactics will undoubtedly assist you (check out the best negotiation books).
4. Get to Know Your Partner
Talking about your problems with your spouse is a fantastic way to get to know each other better and develop an emotional connection.
What do they prefer, why, where can they compromise, and what will they be content with?
That is the mentality of transforming challenges into opportunities.
5. Choose your battles wisely
Let’s be practical for a moment.
Perhaps you want to spend every weekend with your spouse, throw away the garbage every day, clean the dishes as soon as you finish eating, and never watch an action movie or football game with him.
But, rather than tackling every item on your to-do list, how about prioritizing and determining what is most essential to you?
Choose your battles and distinguish what you require from what you truly desire and what would be great to have.
6. Accept that certain issues will take time to resolve
If you’re already stuck, set some reasonable goals for yourself.
It’s conceivable that you’ll make progress, but it’s also possible that it may take some time to get to a place where you’re both satisfied.
The first and most important aim is to quit resenting your partner.
It’s a good idea to make a list of the “basic minimum” you’re willing to put up with:
The very bare minimum that you require
Flexible aspects of your life
A preliminary draught of a resolution
After that, you can gradually move into more favorable terrain.
7. Argue Effectively
We’ve spoken a lot about debating effectively here.
The four horsemen of the apocalypse were presented, and we described what they are and how to avoid them.
Check out these resources for more in-depth analysis:
- criticism
- defensiveness
- stonewalling
- contempt
To summarise, the fundamentals of an effective argument are to approach the disagreement with an open mind and a desire to first understand your opponent.
Only after you’ve tried to comprehend what’s going on, would you try to understand what’s going on and then approach the problem with a win-win mentality.
It might assist to plan your strategy ahead of time if the disagreement is very emotional.
8. Be direct in your communication
Because we don’t feel we can be completely honest with our spouse, unsolvable problems typically linger.
This is especially frequent in couples who are more submissive, overly polite, or passive-aggressive.
However, you must be courageous and delicately confront the matter.
Blue Valentine’s scenario is a good illustration of a gridlocked situation in which neither person is accepting responsibility for their share of the problem.
Her side of the issue is as follows:
- I wish we were in a better financial position.
- I wish you were more motivated at times.
- I’d want to see you put your skills to good use.
His side of the issue is as follows:
- I have the impression that you are passing judgment on me.
- I want you to be able to freely express yourself.
- I am content with my life as it is; are you?
If the two of them had honestly addressed their positions, they would have gotten to the heart of the matter. They would have had an opportunity to correct it as well.
Checklist for Unsolvable Issues
So far, we’ve looked at:
- Problems are an inherent part of life.
- Some issues are intractable as well as unavoidable.
- Unavoidable issues do not have to (necessarily) derail a partnership.
- When unavoidable issues become stuck, the relationship suffers.
So, are your intractable issues stuck in gridlock?
Here’s a checklist to help you figure it out:
- You don’t talk about it (anymore), yet it still bothers you.
- When you bring up the subject, it feels like a war is going to break out.
- You may speak about it all you want, but nothing ever happens.
- Both of you are well established in your respective positions.
- You’re both more concerned with getting your way than with finding common ground.
- Nobody has ever attempted to put oneself in the shoes of the other spouse.
- It may turn ugly and vicious when you talk about it.
- With the passage of time, the problem becomes more serious.
- You’re drifting apart from one another.
- When you think about your spouse, you probably see a stalemate in your relationship.
- You begin to resent your partner.
If this describes you, don’t panic; it’s never too late to begin an open, honest dialogue.
It may be beneficial if your partner reads this post as well. You are far more powerful as a pair than you are as an individual.
SUMMARY
Because of the disparities in our personalities, values, and backgrounds, every partnership has insoluble issues.
Don’t worry, intractable issues don’t have to endanger your relationship.
They may even liven up the relationship if you approach them with humor and tolerance.
When intractable challenges weaken your team’s spirit, you run the danger of creating a vicious cycle that rips your partnership apart.
This article discussed how to deal with and resolve seemingly insurmountable relationship issues.
FAQ
Why have we been fighting for years over the same issue?
Have you ever observed that you and your spouse continually fight over the same issue but in a different way? Maybe you’ve been bickering for the last five years about your in-laws. Or perhaps you’ve been arguing for the past fifty years over how you spend your money! This is due to the fact that couples have two types of conflicts: solvable conflict and eternal conflict. The names are self-explanatory.
So, can we find a solution to this never-ending conflict?
Unfortunately, because persistent difficulties are founded on fundamental disparities in lifestyle or mentality, there are no solutions.
Compromise can be reached or a temporary solution found, but there is no simple solution.
The following are some instances of ongoing issues:
Creating a family (one person wants to have kids and the other does not)
Habits of wasting money (one person is frugal and the other spends freely)
In-laws (in-laws who hate or are overbearing to one’s spouse)
Envy (one person enjoys socializing with friends and the other feels left out)
Various values or beliefs (one person is religious, the other is not)
Personalities that clash (one person is an introvert, the other an extrovert)
